When you fall out of love

With running

Life

The usual

It’s been a long hiatus. And to be honest, I’m not sure how often I’ll keep this updated either. It’s tenuous lately. My resurgence of interest in running and such. And the school year is starting, which for some parents is glorious, but for me means the startup of my regular work calendar again. So…here’s a stab.

The last couple of months have been rough. I’ve been pretty straightforward about my ongoing struggle with depression, but it reached a pretty bad low point a few months ago. I think what further compounded it was the fact that I felt like I was doing every possible thing I could to deal with it, but it wasn’t enough. It feels unfair that I have to be doing so much more to stay afloat or feel “normal” (whatever that is) than the average person. Is it a chemical imbalance, family trauma, psychic wounds, blah blah blah? I don’t know. But I cringe every time someone asks me if I exercise or sleep enough or whatever, because I want to scream, “All of it, I do all of it!”

And actually, the last couple of months, even the running has fallen by the wayside. Yes, I’ve been trying to get myself to grind out at least a run or two a week. I had been hating even that minimal amount, though, and was mostly doing it to stave off the creeping weight. I eat ALOT, and mostly run to eat. When you’re not marathon training, it begins to catch up with you. And while it really is probably just 3-5 pounds, it was enough to make me feel worse physically and emotionally. And I realize that nothing was giving me pleasure. I wasn’t interested in anything. Maybe sleep. More B horror movies. Escape. Not life, not my kids, not my writing. Definitely not my running. Nothing that required me to engage.

So I’m trying some new meds and starting to feel better. I’ve even begun ramping back up my running. I’m actually watching the Olympics track and field events. Hitting double digit long runs. Thinking about races. But it’s still a struggle. The new meds make me tired, so early runs have been difficult. I’ve had to play around with dosage and timing to figure out what doesn’t make me feel like I need a 3 hour nap at 10:30 am or that I’m treading mud at 3 pm. Which means running alone and in the awful heat and humidity. I’ll say that running while playing Pokemon Go has helped motivate and distract me (and give me excuses for stopping).

I’m not 100% sure if I’ll stick with these meds or need to get back on that merry-go-round, but for the first time, I’m being pretty open about my struggles with folks. Even the fact that I know a couple of my students read this blog, and I’m talking about this is something. My less-than-perfect behavior has probably been most indicative of my struggles. I’ve had alot of impatience, crankiness, and general snarl near and far. My ability to have any emotional reserve in response to life has been about nil. I’m sane and grounded enough to know (mostly) when I need to make amends for that behavior, but it’s still not fun. It would be better if I just didn’t do it to begin with. And I’m still leaning towards isolation. My general belief of, “If I don’t interact with people, then I won’t have to act out and apologize later” isn’t really a great one.

On the road back from this cycle of depression, I’d realized that I had slowly been socially isolating myself. Other than kid-oriented activities or running with friends, I was engaging in almost no social activities. A friend took me out for dinner in the city, and I realized it had been literal years since I had done that. Years. How did that happen?

So I’m not saying I’m cured, but I felt the impulse to write today. So that’s something. But one could say it’s something for any of us to show up in life today and engage. To do what you can. To try your best. Even watching the Olympics, I thought about all the athletes at the back of the pack. The ones with no chance to win a medal. How do they motivate themselves? How do they push to keep going? How do any of us? But we do. Onwards and upwards friends.

Finding what feeds you or at least doesn’t kill you

I don’t know if other professions talk about their work or communities “feeding them.” Higher ed is definitely a strange place and not typical of many other contexts, so it’s hard to know what is “normal.” Awhile back, I saw a fairly well known scholar-educator post about their job not being one that “fed” them, and they felt like it was suffocating them if anything. The post didn’t say specifically (vaguebooking anyone?) about what they were talking about, but I can think of a million possible examples or scenarios from others’ situations. My response, though, was “huh, that’s a weird thing to expect.” Without getting into the politics of my own specific position or context, I have accepted that my job isn’t going to be what keeps me afloat emotionally. Even as a high school teacher, I snarled at the oft-quoted “teaching is the hardest job you’ll love” or some other derivative dribble. Teaching IS hard, and it IS rewarding, but if you expect that to be your sole sense of purpose and meaning in life, you will burn out faster than a Roman candle. I wish someone had told me that earlier…

I am not saying that you can’t find meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in your work. I definitely do. But I also don’t expect my work to be the only place where I get that, or even my main source of those things. And while that may seem obvious to some, it’s taken awhile for me to figure that out. I think one of the reasons I was so miserable in my 20’s was that I couldn’t figure out what I needed emotionally, spiritually, psychically, so I expected work or friendships to be the only place I would find validation. As I’ve gotten older, my priorities and understandings of the world have shifted through marriage, kids, running, adult jobs, etc. And I’ve realized that no one place can be my sole source of nurturing or cultivating of self.

Maybe that’s obvious for some, but that’s some hard-fought knowledge for me. Just as my life-long battles with managing depression happen through many ways–prayer, exercise, medication, therapy, community–I’ve realized that finding happiness in life has to happen through many ways. JUST surviving or NOT being miserable is NOT the same thing as actually seeking happiness and comfort. It’s not merely enough to not be suffering, but you also have to find ways to “suck the marrow out of life” (a la Whitman). And that will change throughout your life, which is why it can feel like a balancing act. Just when you think you’ve got it, another piece shifts and you have to reconfigure the whole thing.

Even though the trip to Boston was a whirlwind around the marathon, I was really happy to see and stay with my friend Swati. I can’t even begin to catalog the myriad things she’s gone through in the 8 years I’ve known her. But through it all, she is constantly on a journey to be balanced, to be happy, and to seek ways to be spiritually and emotionally positive. We talked a lot about what’s been going on in our lives–she just finished her doctorate, woohoo!!–and it made me reflective of how we have a choice in how we react or respond to various situations. Obviously we can’t control others or control the situations we sometimes find ourselves in, but we can choose how we react. And sometimes we have the choice to extract ourselves or disengage as well. But first, we have to recognize and acknowledge what our situation is and what our choices are.

 

Me and Dr. Swati having a sour-searching chat over homemade chai.

Even in terms of my running, when I was beginning to feel disenchanted with all the speedwork and the demands of qualifying for Boston, I chose to start running types of areas and get out on the trails. I’ve loved how running has taken me to places I normally wouldn’t have gone. Case in point, down the street from Swati’s place is Forest Hills Cemetery. There are a number of famous people buried here, the most literary relevant being e.e. cummings. Sadly, I did not realize this until after my run so missed visiting his grave, but Mr. UnRunner did see it. It is a huge cemetery, with a mix of both old and new grave sites, and they day was crazy warm and bright.

I’ve always found the very fancy statue tomb stones (is that what they’re called??) intriguing. I loved the pose of the woman on this one.

I loved the idea of this one. This was a tomb stone (I’m just going to keep calling it that because I don’t know what else to call it) that had a very large birdhouse built onto the top of that. Even in death, you can continue to be a source of life 🙂

There was a section where a large number of Chinese were buried. There were even some families celebrating/holding a memorial at some of them. Burning incense, eating, meeting as a large group, etc. There was one group of plots that obviously belonged to an entire family. These Chinese dragons marked the entrance to that section.

And there was even this gorgeous water feature sent on the side of the cemetery.

I’ve been wrestling with the post-race blues, or maybe just the blues who knows, so I decided to try a new running route. I’ve been meaning to head south on the Centennial Trail by the I & M canal near work, and I finally did it the other day.

This area/trail is a very odd conglomeration of heavy industry and nature, as you might be able to see in the picture below (on the far right edge of the picture are a series of smoke stacks belonging, I think, to a petroleum processing plant).

The path itself is a pretty straight crushed limestone path that runs parallel to a rail line hidden by bushes. There were some pretty features along the path, though, including this fireplace/structure thing.

The path runs between two parts of the canal. To the right (or west of the canal) is the rail lines I spoke of and some industrial buildings set way back behind tree cover. To the left was some kind of excavation site. I saw bulldozers and earth movers at various points, and I know that it wasn’t public land. This was a particularly pretty spot and there was an even a snowy egret but my clumsy feet made too much noise and scared it off. If you look towards the back of the picture, though, you can see some kind of yellow metal barricade from the site.

The children are rumbling so it’s time to get the day started. Hope your running adventures take you somewhere new today, and you find ways to feed yourself emotinally!

 

Happy new year!

Happy new year, friends! There is no day so full of hope and promise as New Year’s Day (unless you’re nursing a hangover, in which case, I’m sorry). I generally don’t “do” New Year’s resolutions, but I do like the contemplative aspect of the global turning of the calendar page. 2015 was an interesting one, filled with the amazing reaching of some goals (hello, BQ, and running 2015 miles with a friend) and the ongoing battle with some struggles (balance, depression).

The ending of 2015 was filled with friends and family.

And also some snowy running in Wisconsin.

  
I really love the quiet of running in Door County. The woods always evoke lines of Robert Frost poetry.

I also got a chance to catch up on some podcasts in those runs, which included Another Mother Runner interview with Suzy Favor Hamilton–celebrated middle distance runner who gained notoriety when the Smoking Gun divulged she was working as a high end escort in Vegas (while married and a mom in Wisconsin). It turns out that her behavior was fueled by untreated bipolar disorder, an illness which took the life of her older brother. She explores her experiences in the book Fast Girl: Running from Madness.

The interview was such a teaser for her book that I promptly downloaded it when I finished my run. It’s intense and scandalous and powerful. I have friends who have been diagnosed as bipolar, but I hadn’t understood how intense and out of control the mania could be for some. One of the main points Suzy underscores in the book is her hope to destigmatize the illness and her desire to heal and help others.

This book intersected with an article I recently came across about a 19-year-old University of Pennsylvania runner who killed herself last winter. The article I read (a different one is linked here) seemed particularly fixated on how her Instagram account was so highly curated to only show her life as fun and happy. No one had any idea she was struggling. Down to a post of twinkling holiday lights right before she killed herself. It is always heartbreaking to hear of someone so young and promising taking their lives.

These two stories remind me of why I talk about depression on this blog. I run and eat relatively healthy (I had to bite my tongue recently when someone suggested I exercise to help my mood), connect with others, take medication, and do a host of other things that should make me ebullient. But I’m not. I still struggle periodically with depression, and it’s ok. Many people struggle with it. And the more we talk and support one another, the healthier and happier we can all be.

So my best wishes for all of you. For a healthy, happy, and hopeful new year. May 2016 bring peace and love for all.

Playing catch up, the solstice, and trying new things (including signing up for my first ultra)

Well, it’s been some time since the last post. And I still owe you a race recap of the Hateya Trail race. Sigh. I have to confess, though, that between the depression and the holidays, it’s been rough. I had assigned a ton of symbolic meaning to the winter solstice and my deep need for the light to return. I can’t recall the last time the solstice was so close to Christmas either. I had even planned a tiny solstice party with friends, which was to include my first attempt at an pineapple upside down cake. Both attempts were botched. The depression was at its zenith those few days, and I couldn’t get myself to rally the effort. This was what made me decide to change some things around medication, including quitting the birth control I had been on the last two months. I’ve had depressive reactions to the pill before, and while I was depressed before starting the pill, it did seem to get worse after starting. Considering I had started the pill to help stabilize hormones and emotions, it didn’t seem like it was doing its job.

The change up in meds has started to help make a difference.  Finally.

It’s interesting, I was out to dinner with some old friends and we talked about depression. My friend’s wife asked me what depression looked like for me, because she imagined it as someone who could not get out of bed or face the world. And here I was laughing and out with friends. There have been times years ago where my depression did look more like that, but with two small children, it’s virtually impossible to hide in bed. For me, it’s been a sense of irritation and frustration, as if I have no ability to deal with even the smallest difficulty or trouble. I go straight to anger. There is no emotional reserve to deal. It also feels as if everything takes a Herculean effort. I have to rally every bit of myself to get dressed, go to work (and stay there), make meals. Every ounce wants to scream, “I can’t.” I am unable to focus on anything. There is a deep sense of both restlessness and inertia. I can’t focus. It all feels too much. And all that has begun to lift. Speaking, writing, and being proactive about actions to address the inertia have all been helpful. So I encourage everyone dealing with anxiety and depression to try things to address it, and get help. Interestingly, a lot of the women I run with deal with anxiety more than depressing but that’s another post…

I HAVE been running through all this, although unable to follow the training plan we had selected. This far out, it’s all just base mileage so I’m just working on keeping my weekly mileage up. The idea of doing speed work and such when I feel so heavy emotionally is unbearable. Here I am pretending to be in thei holiday spirit.

My lovely ladies did a morning before Christmas Day run. I met up with Patty and Emily to run some miles before and it was great. We even had time for coffee after. It was so perfect to get some good face time with the awesome, strong women before the chaos of Christmas. I really do love my running group.

We found it amusing that all of us wore black and then such bright shoes. So here’s my first obligatory shoefie. I will admit it was not my idea.

I also got another chance to get out to Palos and run the Bullfrog loop. Sadly, I was the one leading the group…which meant there was some map reading and general orienteering. It also didn’t help that they had updated the trail map, so I was running with a map that didn’t even have some of the colors on there–like the purple trail wasn’t on the version for the map I had. Sigh.  So lesson learned. Make sure you have the most recent map before getting out there.

The ladies I ran with were awesome about it, though, and just enjoyed being out there. They were good sports about stopping and checking maps and gps phones. It was Corinna and Jen’s first time out there, and Amy had run the Palos 50k this fall but didn’t remember all the parts either. It was muddy and fun, and Corinna’s longest run in a while so she appreciated all the stopping.

Amy is also the one that has gotten me to sign up for my first ultra, the Ice Age 50k in Wisconsin in May. I figure 4 months after Boston is good training overlap. We will see 🙂

Anyhow friends, I hope you are running and staying sane. It just snowed like crazy last night so I might get to try out those micro spikes from Christmas after all!

Catch up

It’s the end of semester, so it’s been hectic. And I’m behind on everything. Almost to the end, though…just a few more days.

Last week was all about hills and trails. To stave off the growing gloom (or “The Nothing” a la Neverending Story as I’ve been calling it), I tried to get out into more natural sunlight. That meant some running on Waterfall Glen and the Salt Creek Trail. The Waterfall Glen Run was gorgeous, perfectly clear sky, warm (50’s!), and quiet. I couldn’t help but play tourist and snap a bunch of pics.  

There were surprising bits of bright green. I think nature is confused by the spring-like weather.

  It’s funny how things can look different with small changes. I usually run the loop counter-clockwise, which admittedly, is the “easier” way to handle the hills. This time, I decided to try something different and run it clockwise. Wow, big difference. For one, it felt like I was going up hill quite a bit more. According to the GPS, looks like it was! (I ran an out and back so that’s why the elevation map takes a big dip in the middle and is mirrored after that).

The scenery also looked new to me and I paused at some of the forks in the route, confused. It felt new to me to run it differently. Sometimes it’s good to mix things up 🙂  Gets you out of your normal rut!

I’ve been trying to enjoy the smaller things more as well. The other week was the most gorgeous sunset I’ve seen. I felt a bit silly, but I actually stopped and pulled over to take a picture of it (safety first, friends). It was funny because a cyclist headed in the other direction also stopped, walked across the street to the park, and took a picture. I grinned, and he responded, “How can you not?!”

I had a trail race Saturday (my first! but race review will be another post) so I decided to do my long run Friday. I didn’t feel like running the neighborhood blocks so did it out at Salt Creek Trail. And look! I found a section of real trail! I realized I usually don’t run that far out (or I haven’t lately) so I’ve missed the sign previously. Turns out it’s only 1.1 miles, but it was still fun to see unpaved bits out there.

It’s no Waterfall Glen, but the Salt Creek has its own tiny hills…

Finally, I did my first trail race, the Hateya Trail Race in Kenosha, Wisconsin. It was very funny, if a bit bloody. But you’ll have to hang around next post for the race recap.

Between that (there was an optional river crossing, which I took) and the very rainy cookie run my running group did, I spent much of this weekend with wet running gear and shoes on. I think it might be time to break in a new pair of shoes. I did a bit of research and bought a pair of Altra Superior 2 trail shoes. I might start breaking them in today. They’re my first Altra’s so I’ll let you know how that goes!

Anyhow, friends. I hope you’re hanging in there. It’s a tough time of year, but my runs have been saving me. So get out there!

Trails, Tuesdays, and Heartbreak

It’s a tough time of year. In the last week, two friends have lost people in their lives to suicide. Between the forced merriment of various holidays, the quickly darkening and dreary days (seriously, I’m more concerned about the countdown to the winter solstice than Christmas at this point), and the seemingly endless supply of horror in the news lately, it’s hard. So let’s start there. It. Is. Hard. But it’s not hopeless. One thing I started thinking about was how rarely we hear how appreciated we are–both from those close to us and those we barely know. The outpouring of love, support, and kind words for these two individuals is overwhelming. But I also remember hearing a story about someone who wanted a funeral for themselves while they were still alive, because then they could hear it. It is of little use to us when we’ve passed this mortal coil. Granted, it helps those left behind, but maybe it could help all of us.

I recently saw a comic, which I can’t place right now. Maybe The Oatmeal? Or Yeti? Anyhow, it was a boy and his dad discussing superpowers, specifically how the boy wondered if anyone really had superpowers. The dad said, “Yeah. See that guy over there with the ugly hat?” (Said guy is a sad sack-looking fellow). And then the dad turns to him and says, “Your hat is awesome. You are doing a great job wearing it.” The sad man straightens up and smiles, and the dad turns towards the son and says, “See, you have the power to change someone’s day.” I’m sorry if I’m butchering it, and if anyone can help me place the comic, that would be better. But, it ultimately got me thinking about how changing someone else’s day can also change ours. In our modern age, we are so disconnected from the humanity of others and ourselves. Ironically, the more plugged in we are and the more crowded we live, it seems we pull back into ourselves even further. I don’t have to reach far for pieces from the news that illustrate this.

My friend recently sent me a link to another blog that gets at this idea of connecting, of trying to feel hope in a world that seems awful. The post is titled “Fifteen Things for When the World Is Shitty and Terrifying.” I loved it because some of the things were about being gentle with yourself, and others were about reaching out to help others and express gratitude.

Through my job, I help provide gifts to a child–both their “wants” and “needs” lists. However, I selfishly don’t feel all that excited about it, because I don’t feel connected to the giving. I don’t have firsthand experience with the organization that we work with. I haven’t been there to deliver or distribute the gifts. I didn’t seek out this way of giving (it’s just something my workplace has been doing for a long time). In this manner, I don’t feel personally connected. In contrast to this experience, though, is the homeless person that approached our car the other day (coming back from a trail run. I swear I’ll get to the running part of this blog, ha). I have never given roadside solicitors money, mostly because I don’t know what they’ll “do” with it (I have friends in recovery who were homeless because of substance abuse, and I don’t feel comfortable helping prop that situation up). HOWEVER, I also don’t regularly find ways to help the homeless either. So, in some ways, I continue to ignore a large problem and am potentially dehumanizing them and their situation. At the end of the day, I’m assuming they’ll use the money for dubious things and I’m not helping them better their lot in even a small way.

I’ve been thinking about this alot. One thing I saw last winter was a local mom and her daughter creating homeless hygiene kits and distributing them to people. While I find the idea of roving the countryside looking for potentially homeless-looking people to give your kits uncomfortable, I have long thought about creating kits to give to roadside solicitors when they approach my car. In that manner, I’m acknowledging them (versus furiously looking at my phone) and I’m doing something to possibly help them. These kits are ziploc bags that contain some food and water, gloves or hats, socks (a much-needed yet oft-neglected item with this population), soap, hand sanitizer, travel shampoo, toothpaste and toothbrush, deodorant, lotion, baby wipes, feminine products, and transit cards. I’m stopping by Target later to pick up some things for the house, and plan on picking up a few of these items as well.

As promised, there is actual running on this blog. Last week was pretty good, and Saturday I got to do a REAL trail run. Single-track, muddy, through the woods, skipping roots and rocks. And I didn’t fall. MAGIC. It was hard. I swear I thought I was going faster than the 10:30’ish pace my watch told me at the end. We did the Bullfrog Lake loop down in Palos. About 9 miles total.

It was super foggy that morning as the weather was changing a bit. Bianca and I got there early and ran a mile before hooking up with the group (we were doing the run with the Flatland Ultrarunners). It was a good-sized group that included folks who did 50 milers and 100 milers. Crazy! I was glad to run with other people as the single-track loop breaks up a few times to other loops and I would have gotten lost or spent alot of time on my phone debating which fork to take. Especially since everything looked the same out there. Brown and grey. Bare. There were a couple times that made me nervous barreling down a hill, but it was awesome overall. I don’t think I can make the time commitment to do it every week (it’s a 30 minute car ride each way), but I definitely want to regularly work in the trail runs into the mix.
One thing I realized is that everyone was wearing trail shoes. One woman, who runs 100 miler’s, said she used microspikes in the winter, which is exactly what they sound like. Similar to Yak Trax, they strap under your regular running shoes but they have spikes instead of the coiled wires of the Trax. She said she has no problem running on straight ice with them because they grip really well, and they don’t change your stride. I know what I’m asking for Christmas 🙂

While it wasn’t muddy enough for my shoes to feel super-challenged (I was wearing my regular Kinvaras), it was muddy enough to make things a big mess afterwards! I swear I had mud in my socks too. I’m beginning to see why people wear gaiters when they run now. Bianca, the seasoned trail runner, had another pair of shoes in the car to drive home in. I just scraped as much of it off as possible before getting in the car. 

I’m hoping to get in another trail run later today by my work. We’ll see if time allows. It’s end of semester, which means there’s a ton of grading. Sigh.

Anyhow, lovely people. I hope you are kinder to yourselves and to others. Tell someone something nice today and what you appreciate about them. Even if it’s a stranger. Perhaps it’s even better if it’s a stranger (if you’re a man, though, God help you if you try to tell a woman to smile!).

Giving/Technical Tuesday

It’s Giving Tuesday. I’ll be honest, the idea of someone telling me what day of the year to give to charity is one I found annoying. But then this morning, I was struggling with feeling overwhelmed with the chaos, horror, and injustice in the world as well. And I write this while basking in the neon glow of my SAD light, but I also just finished donating to two organizations that are in the crosshairs of the craziness around us. And I am feeling better.

My parents, because they’re old school, had sent me money for my birthday. I had debated going to the spa, buying a new Garmin watch (slobber, slobber), or buying a cute outfit. After much wrestling with the idea, I decided that my Garmin 305 worked fine, if a “tad” big and that the 220 wasn’t so much more amazing that I needed a new watch. On my drive in to campus, I was really feeling like I was emotionally drowning with all the horrible news lately. I also felt a little frazzled and raw after going on a small rant in class last night. And I realized that I needed to do something, so I donated my birthday money (that really makes me sound like I’m 7) to two very worthwhile and important groups. While I don’t love just giving money, I also know that with Illinois’ state budget, organizations are really financially struggling. You don’t have to give today, but I hope you do consider giving to an organization this holiday season. Do you really need more stuff? Or do you need to live in a more just and equitable world?

OK, on to the geeky running stuff and the “Technical Tuesday” bit. I bought some running shoes on Black Friday online. I’m not gonna lie, it was 30% off of an older model so it was dirt cheap. However, this made me re-assess (I know, I shouldn’t have done it post-purchase…) whether I needed to rotate these shoes in right away or wait on it. Considering I had 4-5 pairs of shoes in rotation, that was a big question. I realized that I wasn’t sure, which led me down the rabbit hole of Googling “when do I need to replace my running shoes.”

Here’s what I found in short:

• Running shoes GENERALLY last 300-500 miles. For the average runner running in the same shoe, this is around 4 months. However, a 200 mile difference is pretty big and can mean a 2 month difference in replacing your running shoes. e.g., Buying 3 pairs of shoes a year or 2 pairs, or ~$130 (depending on the shoe). This “rule of thumb” is going to vary drastically, though, depending on what kind of runner you are, how you strike the ground, how heavy you are, and what kind of shoe you’re wearing.
• Lower drop or more minimal shoes tend to run down faster because there is less material all around. I run alot in the Saucony Kinvara and they probably last closer to 200-300 miles.
• If there is obvious wear, particularly if it’s uneven or through a layer, on the bottom of your shoes, it might be time to replace them. This is for two reasons: 1) You’ve worn through a layer that is meant to absorb shock and you are now increasing the amount of shock on your legs, which can lead to increased chance for injury. 2) If you are asymmetrical in your stride and it’s obvious from the bottom of your shoe wear, I would consider rotating your shoes out earlier. This is because the more you wear them unevenly, the more likely it is to contribute to your continued asymmetry. I’ve noticed that my Newtons show the greatest difference in wear. The lugs on my left shoe show wear more than my right–and this is visually obvious because I’ve worn down to a different layer of color (I’ll try to upload a picture later). You can even test for unevenness in wear by putting your shoes on a table and gently rocking them to see if they move or checking the heel stack.

This video actually does a nice job of showing you how to check the heel stack.

• If your shoe is abnormally “flexible,” it’s time. So if you can twist it in the middle like you’re wringing a wet towel or if you can bend the toe up and back towards the heel a good amount.
• Finally, the easiest test? Try on a new pair of the same shoe and see how it feels. If it feels amazingly better, you’re due for some new shoes. If it’s “meh,” you’re ok. That’s a hard one to not have a “scientific” test. If you look at the data, though, you lose a pretty significant amount of shock absorption and bounce from the first run out (this is not unlike how you start losing value on a new car the minute you drive it off the lot). This is why you should generally try to use your running shoes for just running and not keep them on all day. You’re losing value!

So how do you keep track of mileage? Back in the day, when I only bought one shoe at a time, I used to write the date I started wearing them on the shoe. However, since I rotate through so many pairs at once, that’s alot harder to keep track of. There are apps out there, or I can even note what shoe I’m wearing on what run in my Garmin Connect. BUT, I’M LAZY. That’s alot of work. Easiest and probably best way? How you feel in the shoe. If you’re feeling like your shoe is starting to feel icky, it’s probably PAST the time you should have swapped them out. I know, it’s a money-making industry. Unless you’re planning on being a barefoot runner, though, that’s part of a good injury-prevention plan.

Back to life, back to reality

One of the downsides of impending winter is the decreased light and the inability to effectively tell time by the amount of light in your bedroom. We all woke up at 7:30, which meant the oldest nugget missed his bus, which means Mr. Sometimes Runner had to drive him to school, which means he’ll be later picking him up from after-care, which makes the evening more hectic (since I’m teaching tonight). Of course the ankle-biters woke up between 5 and 6:30 AM every other day of vacation. Sigh. So it’s a bit of a stumbling return to the daily grind. Holiday hangover is real, friends (and that’s without drinking!).

It’s been a bit of time since the last post. As much as I thought about it, it just seemed more work to post amongst the flurry of activity with children home, in-laws visiting, cooking, and still trying to get my runs in. I hope everyone was able to survive!

The last remnants of snow melted earlier in the week. The final leaves of fall have also been taken down as well. The ginkgo trees in particular held on the longest and then let go all at once (the mass of yellow leaves in the picture below). Grossly, the berries are still smashed into the sidewalks stinking up everything. I would really like to know the evolutionary reasons for why those berries have to smell so foul.

It got warm right away, and I actually ran Thanksgiving Day in a t-shirt and shorts (I was a tiny bit cold as it was also sprinkling a bit). Still, I got to enjoy the last shreds of shorts weather we’ll probably see for a bit. I actually did this run as a tempo run (well, as tempo as I’ve been getting lately, ha). I was feeling the tiniest bit of speed and the cold made me want to finish faster, so it was nice to feel like I was getting some of my speed back.

Jen and I also ran the day after Thanksgiving to a steady drizzle. Like good little consumers, we incorporated a stop at our local women’s running store where Jen bought a Handful bra (which I then got suckered into running with in my pocket for 4 miles). Like the losers we are, we also managed to wear our matching Mother Runner hats. As you can see, it was cold enough that the misty rain on the hats froze over a bit. It was good to get out, and running in the rain (particularly cold rain) always makes me feel a bit hardcore. One thing I did look at in the store was breathable rain gear, but I realize I’m too cheap to invest in the good stuff. I own rain gear, but it’s either waterproof (and essentially akin to running in a plastic bag) or it’s water-resistant and lets in some moisture. One day, when I am a rich and famous blogger (hahahahahaha), someone will gift me better gear. In the meanwhile, you’ll see me with a clingy rain jacket sweating buckets or looking slightly angry at the chilled wetness.

It must have been the holiday of Jen because then we also decided to check out one of the local barre studios. We had bought a Groupon for 3 classes a couple of months ago, and of course we waited until the last day to redeem it. Typical. It was fun to see two other ladies from our running group, Jeanette and Jennifer (Jennifer also ran Ragnar the last two years with me) in the class. I guess you had to have a name start with J to be in the class 🙂 The instructor, Carmen, is also a BFF member!

This was the first barre class ever for Jen and me. It was hard!! Carmen had us do a bunch of glute stuff, which also totally ass-kicked our weak runner’s hips. We were grimacing for a good deal of the class.  I’m not as sore as I thought I would be today, but I can definitely feel the effects. We’ve been talking about incorporating more core and strength training into our training plan… I didn’t love it, as I tend to like more cardio-based workouts. However, for 50 minutes of pumping music and having someone else lead, it’s not bad. We bought a 3-pack, so we’ll go two more times. After that, we’ll see. It’s not cheap!

Last, but not least, we actually went to a restaurant for Thanksgiving, which made Thanksgiving Day relaxing. However, because I love Thanksgiving food so much, we also cooked a turkey breast and some sides on Friday. Mr. Sometimes Runner’s favorite part about that is the wishbone. Here, he wrestles the 6-year-old for domination (he lost).

Training is coming along. I actually had two runs last week that were paced under 9 minute miles. I’ve been feeling super slow and heavy lately (nothing to do all the eating, I’m sure) so I was happy to get some speed back that didn’t make me feel like I was dying. Just being under 9 is hardly “speed,” but lately I’ve been doing some runs at 9:45 so it’s speedy enough. Overall, though, I’m still not feeling like I’m really in training mode yet. Technically, I’m on a training plan but it’s just base mileage right now and I’m not following it all that closely. I have to be careful I’m not being too loosey-goosey about it, though, as I realized I didn’t even run 30 miles last week. My 10 mile long run Saturday felt hard–in the sense that I never hit my groove. I never got into the non-thinking auto-pilot you get with long runs. I was thinking about my mileage the whole time. Jen had the same struggle so we just complained about it for most of the run. Misery loves company.

Anyhow, friends, here’s to getting back on schedule and working through this training rut. The grey wet weather isn’t helping, but at least it’s not bitterly cold yet.

I also know that running is a way for me to deal with all the craziness in the world–both within my family and within my larger community. The chaos of what’s going on in Chicago between the video of Laquan MacDonald’s shooting and today’s closing of the University of Chicago campus because of a potential shooting makes me realize there are definitely larger issues impacting us. So I will use my run today to pray and meditate on hoping for peace. Hope everyone has a chance to do the same.

Battling Fatigue & Re-prioritizing

This last week or so has been an interesting shape-shifting one of trying new things, RE-viewing (as in viewing differently), and trying to figure out what makes everything work for me. I’m working on viewing things positively to off-set the doldrums, but it’s a struggle. And as we move into the bleakness of the winter, I know I’m not alone in my resistance to that internal and external darkness.

I got a chance to go for a gorgeous long run (10 miles) Saturday with a great group of ladies. I think it may have been Jenny’s first real run back with a group on one of the long runs! It was actually still sunrise when we started at Waterfall Glen, but the sun came up quickly and gave us some gorgeous clear blue skies. It was nice to mix up the usual folks I’ve been running with, get out into nature, and not have to do an out-and-back run. The hills were also different. I can’t say that I loved them, but you know, good for you, etc etc. This first photo is one of my favorites, and definitely reminds me that shadows can only exist alongside light.

The obligatory potty stop. Ah, the sexiness of runners. The leaves are still hanging in there, so great colors still enclosing us. Between that and the bright sun, I know this is probably one of the few opportunities left before we go brown and grey. It really was a blessing to get out there on that day.
I actually ended up bringing up the rear with Erin, who kept profusely apologizing for holding me back. I had no desire to go any faster, though. Jenny can’t pace for her life, ha, so she’s always sprinting ahead. She’s fast, and i wasn’t feeling it. So I let the rest of the group pull ahead, while Erin and I kept it right under 9:30. Here’s a pic of Erin waving by to the speedier ladies 🙂It was great to run with Erin as she tends to run super-early with Patty so I don’t run with her much. It also reminded me how restrictive training plans can be when you have to hit certain distances and paces and can’t run with others. I decided it was good to enjoy the runs lately for what they are before training starts up again. I think alot of people face post-race doldrums, and maybe some of it is that, but I’m also trying to really shift my feelings about it. Jen was complaining to me recently that she felt aimless without a plan. While I still feel a little panicky when I look at my calendar and I have no idea what to run, I also feel a freedom in just running as slow as I want. Or doing yoga instead of running. And really just trying to listen to my body. Although, I have to say that I slept funny and my back was tight. I tried to do yoga and 15 minutes in, I think I strained it more. Maybe I should just stick to running after all…

One of the pluses and minuses of Waterfall Glen is that there is water. But it’s a hand-pump and the water tastes like metal.

In other news, my experimenting with diet to combat depression/fatigue continues. I decided that I would try cutting wheat and almost all sugar first to see how I feel. I don’t like the wholesale cutting of grains most diets have you do (especially since not all include gluten), but I’ve noticed that when I eat whole wheat breads, my stomach feels queasy (but not white bread. go figure). This meant, I was pulling out a new tool to cook my spaghetti squash. My parents gave me a pressure cooker when they moved out of state. I’ve never used one. And actually, they said they got it as a gift years ago and had never used/opened it either. HA. I was looking at the Nom Nom Paleo website for some new recipes and saw one for cooking spaghetti squash with a pressure cooker. One thing I dislike about spaghetti squash is the cooking time for it. Using a pressure cooker cut my time in almost a third. Win. And it wasn’t too hard to use! I’ll have to explore more uses for it. I will say, the idea of a pressure cooker is a bit nerve-racking for me. I’m a clutz and over hurried, so I kept envisioning an exploding pot because I didn’t latch something correctly. Fortunately, this did not happen…this time.
I’m not sure this diet is “working” in that I feel less tired/depressed, although most elimination-type diets recommend at least 21 days for any real results. I was actually complaining to someone recently about how it seems like I have alot of things I have to keep in place to deal with fatigue, depression, and general life. And she helped me by re-examining it as the opportunity to live life to the fullest, to do everything you can. We only have one life to live (that we know of anyway!). Instead of seeing it as a burden of one more thing to do, look at it as an opportunity you get to engage in. It sounds great in theory, but it’s different in practice. Still, I found it interesting to think about.

I think all of this internal stuff has gotten me thinking about what is important to me, what the point to what I do is, and what I find rewarding. It’s easy to get wrapped up in competition and numbers and how you’re constantly failing compared to someone else. I realize, though, that you are the only one to live your life. You live in your own head, and you get to dictate the terms of what that space looks like. I can be as crazy as I want and run my mental hamster wheels, or I can refuse to engage in that spinning wheel of death. It’s funny, I’ve recently been thinking about re-reading Melville’s “Bartleby the Scrivener” and someone brought it up in class last night. His odd passive yet resistant response of “I would prefer not to” is an interesting one. It’s an odd story, but I do think about how we can choose to NOT engage. There is always an option.

Anyone else read that story? Thoughts on engaging or disengaging with the mental noise?

Changing Perspectives, Changing Diets

Depression is hard and there are a million things you can “do” to help yourself. You can pray, meditate, help others, change your perspective, declutter, change your diet, exercise, sleep better, the list goes on. In some ways, it can feel empowering to think that you can change your feelings by changing things around you. In other ways, it feels draining and overwhelming to have such a laundry list of things to tackle to “improve yourself.” I already do a fair number of things on this list, although not perfectly and not all the time. I’ve already talked a bit about going the medication route. Obviously I already exercise; I also do some meditation, practice an erratic gratitude list with friends, sleep okay, and eat decently. But that’s not always enough, so I try something else (not unlike the playing around with marathon training plans I’ve been doing to try and find the sweet spot).

One cute example of this is my son’s recent exploration of his inner Banksy. This was scrawled in blue crayon in the hallways upstairs. I have to admit, it was really cute. I scolded him as he’s 6 and should know better than to draw on the wall. I still haven’t cleaned it off, though…
I’m also trying to mix up my running right now so keep myself happy and challenged. I had a couple friends do the Lakefront 50/50–the Chicago 50k/50 mile ultra marathon on the lakefront path. I was jealous admittedly. One of my friends, Mike, had an amazing experience and is planning on running the spring version. It made me want to do the Paleozoic 50k even though I had JUST decided it wasn’t a good idea. Running without a plan is also a weird place mentally, so I’ve been trying to run more with friends and hit the trails more. Yesterday was a great “Trail Tuesday” with my friend Amy (who IS doing the Paleozoic 50k, sigh). I’m also heading out to Waterfall Glen on Saturday for the long run.
The final piece I’m adjusting, which is HUGE, is my diet. I have alot of freinds who are into food as a healing tool, for both physical and emotional issues. I’m not gonna lie, some of this seems really far-fetched to me and there’s alot of pseudo-science (i.e., the paleo diet), but a number of them swear by it and there’s definitely a cottage industry of folks swearing up and down (i.e., blogging) to its benefit. I can’t help but think there might be some truth to it after all. It’s difficult to gauge the scientific veracity of some of this work when there’s such a fundamental difference in thinking between traditional Western medicine and alot of the “alternative” viewpoints. Still, I know that autoimmune issues are on the rise and that people have to drastically change their diet to keep themselves healthy.

I can not, with a straight face, argue that eating insane amounts of sugar and mainlining coffee is helping my emotional well-being, so I look to diet again.

I’ve written before about reading the Racing Weight book to try and knock down some weight and increase speed. I never actually implemented the plan because it seemed complicated in its tracking and I felt overwhelmed (i.e., lazy). However, a friend of mine wanted to work on getting her racing weight down now while there’s a lull in training so she started a Facebook support group and invited folks from our running group. I’ve done various diet challenges before (Paleo and Whole Life Challenge) and definitely find having a group helps. Deanna’s going to follow Pip Taylor’s Athlete’s Fix, which is essentially an elimination diet to deal with athlete’s GI issues and increase performance, etc. for three weeks. This diet cuts out sugar, grains, legumes, and pretty much any processed foods. By clearing out the body for 3 weeks, it allows you to slowly reintroduce foods to check your reaction for sensitivities, tolerance, etc.

I decided to try the diet because when I’ve done other similar elimination-type diets I haven’t systematically reintroduced foods to see how I react. I just end up going whole-back to my former way of eating after a week of half-heartedly. In other words, I have no idea which foods made me feel supposedly better. I say supposedly because I have rarely felt better on these diets. And those who swear that they’re feeling better usually blame the gluten even though there are a number of other things they were cutting out so it’s hard to scientifically/systematically assess.

Anyhow, I’m a fool and decided to go along with the Athlete’s Fix diet because misery loves company? Yesterday was day 2 of it after I spent day 1 eating my weight in roasted Kabocha squash (seriously, people, that stuff is like crack for me. It’s also seasonal, so I can only get it in the fall). While I appreciated the kick in the butt to go back and eat more whole foods, I realized last night that I do really poorly (mentally) with restrictive diets. Like so many women, I don’t have the healthiest relationship with food. When I start labeling foods as “bad” or “not allowed,” i get a little crazy in my head about it. I realized last night that I haven’t felt phenomenal during my former elimination-type diets so I probably don’t have food sensitivities (or, some would argue, I needed to restrict even further) and that perhaps the viewing of food as “bad” was probably worse for me in the long run. I’m going to go back and look at the Racing Weight book and continue tracking my food (and maybe my emotions) to see if I do feel worse or better instead of the Athlete’s Fix. I also plan on really pulling back on the sugar and caffeine. We’ll see if all these things make a difference. Like I said, sometimes it feels exhausting to have to do so many things to be a fully functioning, relatively happy person. I guess it is what it is, though.

One happy thing I forgot to report (I think) was the final tally for my Team in Training fundraising for the Chicago Marathon–$800. Hooray!

Anyhow, hope everyone has a great hump day! I might try and do some hillwork in celebration 🙂